Dear Future Self

I remember when my mother was alive. Everything seemed so perfect. We were a happy family.  All you could hear was laughing, smiling and cheering… Until one day.

I did an exam to get to the  boarding school of my dreams; I practised diligently for this exams – I spent hours and hours of maths, science and literature. As I sat back on day we of the results, the happiness and joy I had soaked rapidly into my bones. I remembered how much I wanted this. I firmly closed my hands, imagining myself passing the exams and the outcome. “What will my parents do? Will I ever see  my sister again? Will I ever see my friends again?” I repeatedly asked myself. I knew I needed to relax but I just couldn’t until after the results. There was no turning back – I had to see whether I have passed or not. I just had to!

They were giving out the papers… I first saw all the people who didn’t pass:

“James Edward

Nick Fost

Amy Thompson…”

My name wasn’t there. “Could this mean?” I asked myself excitedly, “Yes it is!”

I passed. I ran straight to my mum, hugging her and telling about the great news. Her face lit up, I felt like was in Heaven.

5 months later, that’s when it happened. It was the day, we were told my mum has cancer – breast cancer. I didn’t know what to do. All I could do was to look after her. From the day we knew about my mum’s cancer, I always looked after her.  I made sure she was happy. Whenever I looked at her, I always tried to smile at her and tell her that everything was fine but deep, inside my heart, I knew that everything was never going to be fine. I loved my mum very much. She wasn’t just my mother, she was my sister and best friend.

One night, I was back from my friend’s house and my dad was watching a film with my sister,  I heard my mum crying in her bed. I dropped all my bags and rushed to her room, seeing her crying and coughing so hard. She was reassuring me that she was fine but we could both see that she wasn’t. I called 999, texted my dad and my sister as quickly as possible. Then I heard my mum say:

“Amber, your such a beautiful girl and you should always know that! I know you have been thinking about not going to your dream school but I am saying you should. This is the school you have dreamed of since you were 5, Amber! Don’t throw it away!”

Her voice began to fade, “You have to promise me to not envy  anyone and always have a good heart and…”

The ambulance arrived  along with my dad and sister, Emily. I couldn’t stop sobbing. No one could. It was my fault for not coming home earlier. It was my fault for not staying at home.

“Amber I am very proud of you to take action and look after your poor mother,” my dad said.

We arrived at the hospital waiting for the doctors to tell us the good news (well that’s what I hoped). We waited for 10 minutes – 30 minutes- 1 hour.

“I am very sorry but Mrs Anderson is dead,” sighed the doctor. Floods of tears scurried out like a waterfall. I’d lost my mother. MY MOTHER. We did everything together. What was I going to do without her?

From the day of my mother’s death, I sat in the shadows.